i went to get another round of injections yesterday, which i wasn’t looking forward to. the big side effect is the inability to sleep through an entire night. i told the doc that they were a bit too strong for my delicate disposition.

“can we wait & see?”

so he gave me some low dose sleeping aids-just a few. because if you can’t sleep, the pain is more intense.

“can i bike? do yoga? do pilates? demonstrate in classes? vacuum? shovel walks? scratch my brand new car up with a scraper?”

yes. he said not to “baby” the area anymore-even though i can feel the shoulder & upper rib separating, even making a crunching noise when i raise my arm. so that’s what i’m doing. weird thing, though is that i really have lost my appetite for the past 4 days & have eaten practically nothing. all food suddenly started to feel disgusting in my mouth-soup, salads, smoothies, tea, everything. i have NO idea what that is. however…it would be great to lose some of my girth. most of my weight is stored in my center & reducing it could dramatically help the healing process. the doctor did not say i needed to do this but i did not ask either. i guess we shall have to see. i’m not great at the dramatic feat of losing my beloved muffin top.

**********************************************************

on the teaching end, things seem a little weird & dismal. i have a couple of handfuls of really devoted students who are delightful. yesterday’s class was 80% male, which for some reason is really fun to me. i still hold that fantasy of teaching a sports team one day. footbal, hockey, baseball…..whatever! what is dismal? the fact that students more & more are gravitating towards non-traditional yoga because of all of the weird new classes that are starting to surface. these are created out of boredom & with financial gain in mind. i got the line-up of the midwest yoga conference this year. a dozen years ago you could take classes with richard freeman, rod stryker, david life, eric shiffman & other real teachers.

look at it now.

-HAPPY YOGA
-YOGAFLOW/VINYASA BASICS
-ROOT TO RISE
-GANESHA FLOW | DEVOTION IN MOTION
-FLOWPLAY

and the best one of all……..

HIP HOP MUSIC AND POWER YOGA FLOW
Join Moses for this incredible yoga experience. Let go into this Creative flow, Thoughtful Assists, Hot Sweat, Dance, Chanting,Sweet Savasana and Guided Meditation Super Spicy!!

with……MOSES!!!!! look at him!

and i realize that my career as a traditional astanga yoga teacher might be becoming extinct very soon. my class sizes are small & dropping. i appeal to males or women with male attributes only. and i wonder…because i take an awesome morrocan woman’s pilates classes….if it’s time to learn the other shit that they teach in health clubs.

i guess i can picture myself teaching step, spin, butts ‘n guts, chisel, acro yoga, zumba, cirque de’solel, pogo plus, pilates & even

HIP HOP MUSIC AND POWER YOGA FLOW !!!!!!

shit. then i realize i’m already 46 & i’m pretty sure i’m gonna soon resemble an old troll.

my career is ending. and i ponder slinging hash once again at a local breakfast diner. it’s a more fitting place for an old x-yoga teacher troll.

the 2 days after receiving my injections, i was in pain. a day later i was SO hyper i couldn’t even chase the words that were coming out of my mouth. i haven’t had a full night sleep for a week. i’m very sensitive to these steroids. a few days later, i am “up” but not as much.

there IS a positive side to this curious drug.
right before the young artistic anesthesiologist shoved 3 long needles between my ribs, he asked me a curious question-

“what do you want from me?”

all i could say in a desperate tone was-

“i want you to take away the pain.”

i felt him swoon. because he knew.

i came to realize that it was his mission. we were on the same path. why is this SO profound to me? because having daily pain for almost 7 months, one forgets what it feels like NOT to be in pain. you can really get used to anything. so after i started noticing that the pain was gone, it felt luxurious. like “wow! i can teach, walk, bike fast for miles, do some yoga, be happy, lift things, shovel the sidewalk & dig the car out…

i was actually over zealous on that last one & ended up scratching up our new car. i’m a total dipshit & did not realize scraping ice off the body would hurt the paint job. i was actually thrilled with this “job.” it was a workout, it was an action that i had not been able to perform since july. i couldn’t wait to surprise the sleeping colonel.

until he took me to the train & noticed i had hacked up the entire body. shit. i felt terrible. i still do. those steroids are STRONG. trust me.

i had forgotten what it felt like to be pain-free. i don’t think i will ever take this feeling for granted again. the biggest thrill is my fresh attitude. pain-free, i have noticed there is a HUGE change in the way i see the world & my tolerance level for annoying shit. in pain, i viewed the world & everyone in it in a sad, annoyed, hostile way. i also hated myself & could not even look at myself in the mirror.

NOTHING bothers me now. a little boy ran over me with a grocery cart yesterday & felt sorry for him because his dad was a drill sergeant. he picked him up by the armpit, planted him in front of my face & said-

“YOU LOOK AT HER IN THE FACE RIGHT NOW & TELL THE LADY THAT YOU ARE SORRY”

he was probably about 8, totally terrorized & innocent.
his dad is a douche.

kids don’t bother me. neither do crowds. rude people. mean people. assholes. it’s all good because for the first time in ages

i feel good.

and i can look in the mirror again & actually like what i see.

what a concept.

joy.

the up side of this? it numbs the nerves that are causing my chronic pain. the down side? where the hell do i start?

first of all, it was almost debilitating for the first couple days. i had to swim with sharks to get my doc to give me some pain meds to get through this. but what i really needed, as of yesterday, were some “chill pills.” the steroids take a couple of days to begin their “magic.” and yesterday i felt like i had been shot out of a cannon. have you ever drank too much coffee? done meth, speed or coke? then you know what this feels like. it was hard to teach my class. my words seemed to be coming out of someone elses mouth. i was a total spaz. when i rode downtown, it was the fastest i have ever clocked in. i guess i understand why athletes love steroids now. they turn you into a superhuman.

i don’t want to be a superhuman. i want to sleep. which i did not do at all last night. i hope this passes. i prefer being chill rather than hyper. it’s NOT for me. but it IS nice having this pain dissipate.

***************************************************

on another note, i was very happy to read lineage yoga’s blog post about teaching yoga. i strongly resonate with her words as a teacher. this made my week more tolerable. i see myself in these words & i know i’m doing the right thing.

on teaching yoga-

“never talk to the audience, talk to your own mind and make it a louder reflection in yourself to yourself. Thereby you will not only stop the growth of the ego but also will be talking to the mind and heart of your audience. May your missionary lectures and inspired teachings be a homely talk and fruitful discussion between your own higher intellect and lower mind. If those who are around you benefit by your own self-reflection it shall be the glory of the Lord and not your personal efficiency”.

SO beautiful. thank you.

because i had spent time in india & bali, a ton of people urged me to PLEASE read “eat, pray, love.” i refused & read shantaram instead. the colonel actually met the author gregory david roberts in the same mumbai bar shortly before the bombings. that film was supposed to star johnny depp but seems to still be in the can over a dozen years later.

eat, pray, love however, was quickly made into a commercially successful film with top-notch actors. julia roberts {{ugghhh}}, james franco {{???}}& javier bardim. (wtf)

the movie came on yesterday without commercials. it was right there in front of me. i really wanted to know what people saw in me in the lead character. and after watching this piece of shit, i came to realize that

the people who said this do not know me AT ALL.

the premise was shit.
the writing was shit.
the casting was shit.

and in no way does this story have anything to do with me, since the real theme of the story was

D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

and the inability to love again for fear of being hurt.

this story is about a shallow spoiled girl looking for herself in mystical places. (i’ve heard since the book came out there’s been a major surge in travel to these places) in the film, julia roberts is in perfect makeup, hair & lip collagen throughout the entire year-long travel through italy, bali, & dirty disgusting kolkatta. all i could picture was her using the standard indian potty. did she use the left hand? bucket bath? i wondered…

she had no mozzie net at all in bali. in the words of the colonel (who re-titled the film “eat,shit,die”)-

“if she stayed in an open hut in Bali with the front door wide open, the mosquitoes would have carried her away to a rice paddy and chewed her down to the bone.”

THAT would have made this a great film.

the film made a point in showing us that italy is for getting drunk & pigging out, india is for finding ourselves, & in bali, everyone has a love affair!!! a well-shaven muscle boy even drops his trousers for julia enticing her to take a dip in the water. a giant bare muscle ass is all we are left to look at.

and we don’t want to.

julia was forcing herself through the meditation/silent retreat. they even made fun of the silent part of the course, using a ditzy hippie character who wears a pin that states “i’m in silence.” she spends an entire scene vomiting words & idiocy after she lasts 2 months & finally breaks her silence. i’ve done this for the 10 days before. trust me. the very LAST thing you want to do when you finally break the silence is talk. it’s simply too much. anyhoo…india is a stupid place to meditate. it’s louder than shit! they love setting off firecrackers, playing gongs, riding motorcycles, bikes, a billion people for god’s sake! i never go to india without a months supply of earplugs. SO i have no idea why anyone who does NOT want to meditate would ever even go to india to do so. meditation is for people who actually want it. you can keep your 4 grand & take a free vipassana course near home.

this is far from the kind of person that i am. i know nothing of divorce. never been. i do not come from a divorced family. i was adopted which is a whole nuther ball of wax. i have not worn makeup since age 22. i am very low maitenence, having no issues going without hot water, water pressure or even lack of showers. i’ve pissed & defecated in many roads on my travels throughout india. india is dirty disgusting hardcore & NOT for the faint of heart or someone who needs a blow dryer & makeup team. you WILL constantly have a layer or several of dust & dirt if you spend a couple hours moving about from place to place. maybe she never left the confines of her retreat.

sound familiar?

plus she divorces billy crudup, runs away from james franco & refuses javier bardim’s love. 3 of the most beautiful men in film.

how in the hell am i supposed to believe that?????

i’ve been passing this little game around on fb. it’s really fun & sort of revealing. cause people are from all age ranges & it’s ironic what people end up with.

The Game:
1) Discover the #1 single in your country of origin in the week you were born
2) Find it on YouTube
3) Post it on your Facebook page without shame.

of course you can share here if we’re not friends on fb.

mine was “get off of my cloud”

it somehow feels so “right.” especially lately.

********************************************************

the new year brings a new energy into the classes that i teach in. i’ve had a few days off, the students also. i joke while teaching & ask about yoga resolutions. the first class post new year did not respond at all. which is good because they just showed up & were obviously happy to be there. that was plenty enough.

the second class was totally man-filled. this is a trend i have been noticing lately. at least in my classes. i seem to attract men. OR it’s the astanga, because i’m the only traditional (taught in sanskrit, pranayama, strong emphasis on breath & bandha & following sequence correctly) astanga teacher in the corporation. all kinds of men are coming. from all over the place (many have accents), every age, every manly man, girly man, sporty man, weight lifting man, shy guys, frat boy types, martial artists, hip-hop dancers….

do i prefer teaching men over women? honestly?

yes.

why? because i love how men (in general) seem to love the challenge. they are practically laughing that their idea of sweating can be such a challenge in a yoga class. they often don’t know what to think about it. so they keep doing it. and they see the strength & flexibility they gain. they see how hard it is. and they kind of like that.

i was having a similar sexist conversation with a friend over lunch yesterday. about how boring it is for me to play in girl bands. why? cause most women can’t play as well as men. i know that sounds horrible, but why don’t you think about 10 female non-singers that are mind-blowing musicians. non-classical. i’m talking guitar players, bass, drums. my experience in the female bands was that they just did not seem to care about playing their instrument REALLY well. they rested on the laurels of their sex. of course that was in my twenties. no one wants to watch a band of mid-40s females.

unless they can play their asses off.

pm me. we’ll talk.

l8r

a near fatal car accident. although pretty tragic in of itself mentally, physically & spiritually, has actually changed the way that i think about myself, my life, the earth, other human beings & animals, my fortunate jobs in the past that took me all over the world, and what all of this means in the big picture.

where does one go to find these answers? the best place is right between your ears. meditation. because i have not done asana regularly for so long, i have been sitting A LOT more-even in public places. i steal minutes-even if there’s only 3-15. throughout my day, it begins to change the way i perceive my own reality. which filtered through my rattled emotions & brain-irrationality. i am craving another 10-day vippassana retreat in 2012. it’s really fascinating stepping back & taking a look at this insurance bleeding year.

there are 3 sides to every coin. yours, mine & the universes. the universe is the great teacher. we only need to shut up for a while and listen to it. because life is filled with regret. suffering. compassion. frustration. anger. joy. the only way i have been learning lately how to live peacefully but imperfectly (this method takes time to get used to) is through sitting.

and since i can’t do asana, i do the next limbs. pranayama, pratyahara, dharana….that’s about it for now. i am able to meditate in the middle of a crowded obnoxious health club even though it’s super bright & horrible dance music is screaming through the speakers. it does not bother me. don’t get me wrong. quiet is a bonus. hell-i can’t even write in this blog in anything other than silence. i am good at doing one thing at a time. more than that can often overwhelm me. always been like that. but i see people juggling every day. shit-i can’t even talk on the phone & grocery shop at the same time.

anyhow, the bottom line for me in 2011 is that yoga is really not asana. a good friend often reminds me

i am not this body.

to actually experience this can be enlightening. profound magic lies in the other 7 limbs. the asana changed my body. now the daily pranayama & sitting is changing my mind. it makes me realize

i am not this mind.

i look back on a painful but profound year & i am grateful for it’s lessons. i also know that the journey lasts forever. but not the body or the mind.

only the spirit remains.

“we will contact you today.”

a week goes by. i call. all the necessary info is not faxed yet. i wait some more. i call. HOORAY! they finally have it all & are discussing my epidural.

“we’ll get back to you today.”

i wait another week. i call. the smart ass on the other end says

“we tried to reach out to you several days ago”

um…no.

“{{{she heavily sighs}}}….ok. hold on.”

i hold on for 15 minutes.

“let’s see, the first available appointment is in 2 weeks.”

YES thank you and have a nice day.

i count my pain pills to see if they will last until then. whew. gotta be sparse with them cause doc A won’t give me anymore & doc B wants me to smoke herb instead, which he can’t prescribe.

the infamous doctor juggle. a real 3-ring circus. by the time i get the epidural, i will have been in daily pain for more than 6 months.

wtf. i’m just praying that i can regain my sanity. because i feel like i’ve lost a few screws & am at a loss where i put them.

aren’t you sick of hearing this?

me too.

whew these are seriously challenging times for me. i’ve never had constant daily pain for 6 months before. so little things can either enrage, depress or make me very happy. let’s focus on the latter.

-i really love generosity in people. i wish people would think about others more often.

-i really love yoga. not just asana. i also love teaching.

-i love writing & photography.

-i love riding my bike in sub zero temps.

-i really love when people really listen to me. it’s kind of rare.

-i really love when a student tells me something helped them that i suggested. on tuesday a student invested in the toe stretchers & one for his wife. 15 minutes a day & he said he is already walking better & able to balance. yesterday another student came up to me (he is shy) & said the breathing exercises i do with them & short warm-up really helps him ALOT. this is a big step to get health club people to do pranayama & sitting. it’s also awesome that i do NOT use music in class. i move SLOW & encourage silence. unless you have a question. i really love it when someone blurts out a question in the middle of down dog.

-i really love gifts of gratitude. a devoted student who is in her second trimester with her first child always gives me something this time of year. yesterday it was ginger cookies she made. another takes me out to lunch a few times a year. today is one of those days i really need it because i’m about to go under. lots of depression & pain from riding the bike like a maniac yesterday. and another gave me his own home-made truffles! each a different flavor & totally unbelievable. the photo is above.

-i really love it when i realize that sometimes i should do more things for myself & not for others. like knit a hat for myself. like take myself out to dinner. like make myself chicken soup. and my own fabulous runny yukon gold mashed potatoes with roux gravy i could rub that shit all over my body.

-i really love when i’m able to distract myself immediately when i feel a depression fit coming on.

-i really love cooking. my dog. the very few friends that i have. reading. knitting. film. lenny bruce.

-i really love asia. at least the places i have been to. if i ever get lucky enough to return, it will be in another asian country i haven’t been to yet. like laos, cambodia or vietnam. or hong kong or singapore, but i feel like those places would be too similar to tokyo.

-i really love being able to face a fear. to forgive. i have done this recently & it’s been a good thing.

GOALS (i actually loathe that word) FOR 2012

-take an 8 week iyengar class starting in january with my favorite local teacher
-take another 10 day vippassana course
-lose at least 10 lbs
-continue to take better care of myself
-choose my friends wisely
-take that archery class when i’m healed. god i love the bow & arrow
-complete my all-clad set
-find another unique teaching opportunity. one that i have control over
-stop abusing myself so much
-meditate MORE! it’s SO awesome!

i think i’ll skip the depression/rage list.

how about you readers? what’s 2012 gonna be like for you?

most of my time in india was spent in the south & the locals were very happy to turn me on to the famous (but not to US) Shivaji Rao Gaikwad.

the older i get the more simple things seem to be. the very best things come from an understanding of

less is more.

in everything. in the size of the drumkit. in the style of yoga. in the elements used in a recipe. in music. in everything i do or come in contact with.

i think the brain thinks that it exists for one reason only.

to fuck the rest of you up.

and guess what? it often does.

be simple. be sample.

this is my first ranjini film baashha

today’s dramatic emotion?

{{{{{RAGE}}}}

i have NO idea. i was SO incredibly angry that i took it out on the colonel via text while he was trying to work his job. i couldn’t believe how mad i was. i started throwing out stuff-clothes, whatever. donating several bags to the church (i’ve been obsessed with detailed cleaning since i can’t do asana), hurting myself mopping, scrubbing & vacuuming. you see, i’m kind of a clean freak. clutter makes me insane. filth makes me really angry. & it hurts my body to clean but i need to do it.

i was SO mad that for the first time in months & against the wishes of my doctors, i rode my bike downtown. man that felt good. i’m ready for sub-zero temps. bring it on. i need to take it out on that vehicle. i don’t care how cold it is. i desperately NEED to exercise. no wonder i can’t sleep at night. i’m exerting very little daily energy trying to heal these freakin’ bones.

so the newest news is that i am offered to go to a 4 week pain school. the problem is that it is twice a week for half the day. which means not working.

which means it’s not gonna happen. besides, they can’t get me in until next year some time & by that time i won’t need it. it’s just to late. then they want me to go to an anesthesiologist to get an epidural in my spine. this will make my pain disappear. i don’t like this idea. because if i can’t feel anything, i will probably make my problem worse again. the pain tells me when i’ve overdone it. i take one norco per day. the doc won’t give me more even though i’m not abusing them so i have to go to the black market & pay a lot of money for them. both doctors even told me to smoke pot for the pain.

really.

but they can’t prescribe it cause it’s not legal in illinois. but it is in michigan. so close but not close enough.

anyhow, this emotional journey caused by the car accident has turned me bat-shit. i’m hoping the biking will calm me down. it dosen’t seem to hurt but we will see how i feel tomorrow.

i have NO idea how people go their entire lives without exercising. i would be FAR more miserable than i already am.

hey-anyone want to buy me that hat? i want the world to know. especially my yoga students who probably have already figure that one out.